Hello!
Day 16 touches on some rough territory, it focuses on unforgiveness.
Earlier this week I came across a tweet that is the bedrock of today’s topic. A certain popular online figure tweeted about ‘forgiveness,’ and how it isn’t the only route to (mental, physical, and emotional) wholesomeness. The person even went further to say that one cannot expect to move ahead, successfully, with their life without actually forgiving those who have wronged or hurt them or even grivances and regrets we hold against ourselves. Holding on to pain, regret or any memory of it comes easy to many people, and many times we even have valid reasons to be mad or vengeful, in a nutshell unforgiving. Right? Well I beg to differ, and I’m going to highlight some of the downsides of unforgiveness and the benefits of forgiving, and lastly, how we can actually forgive.
Unforgiveness distorts the healing process – the transition away from your hurt or any negative emotions associated it. It neutralizes whatever progress you’ve made in trying to get past your hurt; it serves as an anchor to those things you so desperately want to get past, i.e., the anger and resentment you feel whenever you see or think of their face – you know who I’m talking about. And giving that forgiveness is more subtle and effortless, it tends to give this false impression that you’ve completed the healing process, but sooner or later you will realize that you’ve failed to make that quantum leap towards wholesomeness; away from the toxic that corrupts your being. As a result, you have unexpected cases of relapse-like an addict. You find yourself struggling with unresolved issues, surpressed emotions. Eventually, it ends up being a typical case of taking one step forward, and two steps backward.
Unforgiveness is the root of suffering. Unforgiveness eats you from the inside out. It not only affects your mental and emotional health, it can manifest physically as well. I heard this some time ago, “forgiveness is the act of freeing oneself from pain (suffering).” Many misunderstand the concept of forgiveness to be an external thing. Something you give and receive nothing in return, but that’s a wrong notion. Forgiving someone who has hurt has a repelling effect on you, as it also frees you from suffering and the negative feelings attached to it. Now imagine distorting that process by being unforgiving, you hold yourself captive. The tricky thing about this is; whoever had offended you might not be aware of the wrong they did, or they might have forgotten they ever did anything wrong to you. Now you’re in the confines of your mind accumulating bale; it’s safe to say your suffering is self-inflicted and has no effect whatever-so-ever on the other person you tag as an offender. Hard love, yes, but the truth needs to be told.
Now, with all that has been said, how does one forgive? Because it seems easier said than done.
The very first step is knowing that forgiving is a conscious effort. You might have heard the saying, “to err is human, but to forgive is divine.” it takes more than the usual effort in forgiving someone who has wronged you, especially when such a person is important to you. Would you rather harbor hate and dismiss a chance to move on… to something better rather than have some old memory drag you backward continually whenever it seems you’re making progress? The choice is yours.
Secondly, you need to understand that forgiving, sometimes, is a process. What I’m trying to say is simple: to forgive is not automatic. In some cases, depending on the depth of your relationship with the said person, it takes time, but you must see it through. The bible says you should forgive 70 x7. That’s a lot of forgiving, but it represents how many times we must let go and be free of the negative emotions associated with hate, bitterness, and resentment that breeds a slew of diseases and ill effects on your bodies.
Thirdly, talk to the person if possible. It goes a long way to purge your mind from whatever negative energy you might have been hoarding.
And lastly, Pray, Pray, Pray.
Forgiveness is an essential ingredient in every relationship. It’s a test of our inner strength, and also, it strengthens our relationship with others.
I will end this day with a poem I found, in hopes you’ll be excited to take the next step towards releasing those you’ve been holding grudges against.
For my old mistakes
Or my present ones
Releasing them…letting go
Giving them up
Inviting new experiences
Viewing my mistakes as past tense
Emigrating into the future
Not lingering with the past
Eliminating self-inflicted pain
Saving myself from hurt
So I forgive, that I may live
Let’s end today in your excercise book so that we may find some peace and healing.